Until last night...

As I practice gratitude, there is a lot that goes into this process. I am evaluating all of my thoughts to find something to be grateful for. And then I stopped at the grocery store last night.. and picked up a wobbly cart..

I thought about just exchanging the cart... and then one of my guides popped in with a reminder that I was working on gratitude.

Okay.. and what's to be grateful for with a wobbly cart?!

"Just listen."

So I walked and listened to that darn noise the wheel was making.. thump, thump. thump, thump. It was a steady rhythm..like a drum beat or a heart beat. AHA.. the cart was making its own music. 

As soon as I got that AHA moment, I felt my body straighten up.. I was no longer scrunching over, hiding because I was embarrassed that the wheel was making noise. I was proud of the cart for making music. And my whole attitude shifted about being in the store.

During my shopping trip, I simply enjoyed the beat. I picked up everything I needed and placed it lovingly in this beautiful cart that was making such lovely music just for me.

All of our experiences are based upon our perceptions of life around us. If we feel embarrassed by something, then our moods and actions are based upon that embarrassment. If we can find enjoyment and gratitude in everything we do (or at least most things), then life become easier and certainly more fun.

After I changed my attitude, the cart and the beat it was making, made me happy!

I have written down this experience so that I can remember how easy it is to shift from one mood to another, by finding the gratitude and joy in my heart. This process does take work, and it is worth the effort!

I found myself not only being grateful, but I was also expressing my gratitude to others. I am saying thank you to others for any little thing they do for me. These Thank yous are not just said in passing, I mean it. And I find a kind word or two to go along with the thank you, so that others know how much their help means to me and makes my life easier.

For example, there is a woman I work with that I send tasks to complete. And she always completes the task and lets me know when she is finished. I can count on her and never have to monitor her work to make sure it gets done. So, when she completed one of those tasks, I shared with her how much I rely on her, and thanked her for her commitment to her work, that allows me the freedom to focus on something else. I let her know, that I don't take her for granted, I appreciate EVERYTHING she does for me!

The response was heartwarming. We both felt better after the conversation. It made me think how I need to be sure that I recognize the efforts of others. I always SAY thank you, when someone does something for me. However, if I added more specifics, the thank yous would be more profound..

Something that I am pondering and using this month.. I will let you know how this changes things for me..

The difference that I am finding through all of this, is that the ups are lasting longer, and the downs are not as frequent and they don't last as long. I am also re evaluating my entire existence. I am putting down the burdens that no longer serve me and freeing up a lot of space in my life for me.

My daughter is an ongoing challenge, and the stress levels remain high with her. It's not easy living with someone else, especially if that someone else has mental health issues. And yet, she is still one of my greatest teachers. She teaches me greater patience for myself, greater patience for the world around me, and more than anything else, she teaches me compassion. I don't understand her and I am realizing it is not necessary for me to do so. The only person I truly need to understand is myself. Everything that happens in my life is a direct result of me, and how I perceive life around me. The choices I make, are mine alone. No one else is responsible for what happens but me.

I chose to let my daughter live with me, and so I chose a life of learning about relationships. I am learning about my relationship with myself, and with her. Each minute I have to think about how I respond to her, because in each moment she is different. This requires me to be more present and aware, of myself, and of her.

I have also let go of a need for perfection and control. I am surrendering to my life. How you ask?

Here is my surrender example:

This past week I suffered my first ever migraine headache. It was a most interesting experience. I experienced a flash of light, then trouble with my vision, then this really beautiful geometric shape in my field of vision. Once that passed, there was the blinding headache that lasted for three days. When the pain hit, I checked in with my guides- do I need to worry about this or go seek treatment?

"No."

"Are you sure? You know I am a baby when it comes to pain, and this really hurts!"

"You will be fine. You have been spending a lot of time thinking about your life, your daughter, your work. If you were a machine, we would say you blew a fuse. In this case, your body is simply telling you to get out of your head and quit thinking. It is time for you to FEEL your life."

"Really?! What does that mean?"

"Quit trying to solve your problems by thinking them through. You have separated your mind and heart, dear one, and your body is simply bringing you back to balance. "

"Yeah, okay.. I still don't get it, but since it hurts to think, I am going to rest!"

"Exactly!"

My response.. Whatever!?... (I am only human after all!)

I did rest. I surrendered to the pain, and rested my body, and my mind. I chose to do work that required very little thought process until the headache passed. And I rested whenever possible. I went to bed early, got up late, and allowed my body to dictate my schedule. I didn't try to figure anything out.. I just let life happen.

When the pain stopped I had a great AHA moment. Life went on with a lot more ease, when I wasn't forcing everything. I was still able to get all my work done, at my own pace, in my own time.. and I didn't worry about a thing in the process. Imagine that, life went on and I didn't have to worry about it!

And the incredible gift that I received... well, I have been worrying about money, since I am the sole support of two adults, 4 dogs and 2 cats, with a house, car, etc..In taking care of my own needs, I reduced my income substantially, and learned to live more basically. When I quit worrying about money, and just let go, because of the head pain, I received an unexpected check in the mail. One of my credit cards that I had paid off, had incorrectly calculated interest, and I received a reimbursement check of over $250.00. MAGIC!

Life, when we allow it, is magical. When we try to control it, or think our way through it, life becomes more complicated than it needs to be. Our brains were designed to help us, IN HARMONY with the rest of our bodies.

I still get a twinge in my head when I try to problem solve. It is a reminder that I need to quit 'trying' and let the answer surface from within. I have learned to move on to something else, and to honor my body by listening to it.

So, for this week.. I am very grateful for the lessons in surrender, balance and gratitude. 

I am grateful for the reimbursement check!

       I am grateful for my daughter (who by the way, cooked me breakfast this morning as a surprise)

       I am grateful for LIFE.

My daughter happens to be the toughest challenge I have ever faced. Each and every day, I am finding I need to learn new ways of communicating and new ways of parenting without enabling. It's an incredibly fine line to walk, and frankly, it is mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting for me. I would love not having to deal with this every day.

During the toughest struggles with her, I am finding that I really have to take a break and really THINK about gratitude, and the positives in my life. This practice takes me out of the angst of the moment and into a real sense of peace. It is always possible to find ONE thing to be grateful for in each moment. The discipline is taking the moment to find that little bit of gratitude.

This week, my internal struggle has been, do I let her stay, or do I make her go find her own way. I am still in that struggle. As a mom, I want her to be safe. As a person, I want her gone, out of my space so that I can finally breathe on my own again.

And when I finally took the time to be grateful for the positives in my life, my guides reminded me that she is the greatest communication teacher I could ever have.

'Really?! WHY?!"

"Because she is forcing you to re evaluate how you communicate moment to moment. You have a tendency to use a 'one method fits all' style of communication with friends and loved ones. That is not always effective since communication is about more than one person."

AH............

And when will this phase of the learning STOP!?

"When you no longer want it to stop. When you can find the fun in determining what is the best style of communication for the moment and then go with it. And when you learn to compassionately tell your loved ones what YOU want and need from them, instead of fighting about what they need from you. You have been so focused on what you can't do, that you are missing what you can do. And sometimes... the best communication is silence, or a hug."

AH.......

I don't know what the next weeks will bring as I travel on this journey. I will say that this process is certainly not dull.

Today, I am grateful to have found some peace this week! And for the ability to hear the guidance from my guides, who always give me a different perspective about my life and lessons.

My guides have shared with me that it is the discipline in the process that is important for me. The writing/blogging is the most important part of this journey. For me, writing creates clarity and shows the growth and illuminates the journey. I need this tangible evidence that I am indeed growing and changing.

So, when they suggested I write every day this past week, I simply said no. I don't want to. 

What happened this week? Hmmm, well, let's start with my daughter. She is bi-polar with a substance abuse issue as well. She abuses her anxiety medications on a monthly basis, so that she can feel numb.For at least one week of every month, she takes so much xanax that she is a walking zombie.  The lights are off, no one is home, and she staggers around the house. Because she is basically incoherent, there are multiple items that get broken or damaged during this time. One night she tried to take off in my car. I have learned to put important things away so that don't get damaged and limit her house access to her room and bathroom. It is very much like living with a small child.

Because of her mental health issues, she cannot hold down a job. And she lives with me, since she has no where else to go. Her father is dead. She is on state funded medical, and has applied for social security.She had her final hearing August 31, 2010 and she still has not heard if she will receive benefits. She has no income and no way to generate income.

She has lived with me now for 4 very long years. And each year she becomes worse. I have provided her mental health case worker with all of the information above.  And I pray daily that an answer will come to me. I cannot kick her out, anymore than I could open the gate and let my dogs run free. 

She has to find her own way, and I have to find mine. In the meantime, I will provide food and shelter and pray for an answer.

So, this week, has been a bender week for her. And for self preservation, I was out of the house running errands or in my room watching movies for a few days. I have learned to focus on what I need to survive these times, rather than what I can change about her. I become very important to me during her benders. 

A couple of times when I was out getting something to eat or drink, my daughter tried to start an argument. I have learned, that is just her way of pushing my buttons so that she feels empowered to blame me for all of her issues. She has yet to learn that her only way out is to accept responsibility for her own actions and begin to take the steps that will lead to her improved health. She would much rather be the victim. So, this time I didn't engage, didn't listen, and simply removed things that she could harm, and went about my business. Her choices to over medicate are her choices alone. I refuse to be a party to that way of thinking and behaving.

Today, as she begins become a little more coherent, I am grateful that I was able to remain more centered than normal and that I took care of my needs instead of watching over hers. 

I am also grateful, that this is forcing me to take better care of myself.

And I am grateful that in spite of my lack of gratitude this week, My Angels have surrounded me with love. 

Today I started doing my taxes.. pulling together all the information that I need to file my tax returns. With a business of my own, and the day job, it can get to be a complicated process. And the process seems to  stretch my brain every year.

I like filing my taxes early, because that gives me a chance to pull together money if I owe the government because I have underestimated my taxes, or the chance to celebrate an early return. It seems to vary each year. One day I will get it all down, and break even come tax time.

The other part about doing my taxes, is that it helps me put the year before in perspective. I have a chance to look back all that I had accomplished. It's amazing what we can each accomplish during a year.

This year, as I am focusing on gratitude, I am able to be thankful for every penny I earned, and every expense I paid, because it meant that I had the income to pay the expense. In a year where a number of people struggled, I can be thankful for the income.

Today I am grateful:

That I am alive and well

that I can do my own taxes

that I had an income that allows me to file an income tax return

        that I did not suffer from boredom today!

I am bored with work, home, gratitude, and life in general. I didn't even want to post this tonight. I just want to curl up in bed and go to sleep, and just wait for a new day to dawn.

Funny, I started hearing laughter again. Apparently I am tickling the funny bones of my guides. Great. Get ready, here comes the profundity..(new word created out of boredom)..

"Dearest, it is okay to be bored on occasion. It means you are ready and preparing for the new phase of your life. You have come to terms with the fact that your old behaviors don't work anymore, and you are ready to learn something new. Congratulations dear one! Now that you have reached this phase, what are you going to do next?!"

Funny.. glad the heavens are chuckling. Me, I am just bored. I had to force myself to get my work done today. I did it, I always do.. I just had to put extra effort into getting it done today.  So, given my boredom, I am truly struggling with finding something to be grateful for today...

Hmmmm... more laughter..."be grateful that you can be bored"

Okay.. today I am grateful that I can experience boredom. It means I have some freedom in my life to feel anything and to express it as well. this is more than some people have.

I am also grateful for the flexibility in my job, that allows me to choose what I will work on in a given day. I can prioritize the work, in whatever way seems most efficient for me, and allows me to indulge in my boredom.

I am grateful that I have a new wireless router today, that is twice as efficient as my old one.

I am grateful that I am not bored everyday.

A few years ago I started keeping a dream journal. I would wake up in the morning and write down my dreams, so that I wouldn't forget them. It started off slowly, with a character I might remember vaguely. The more I did this, the clearer the memories, and the more vivid my dreams became. In fact, I started writing a fantasy novel based on what was happening in my dreams. I got to page 100, and then chaos erupted in my life and the dreams would fade before I woke up. What I did remember had more to do with messages for my daily life, and how to cope with the chaos. 

While I am still having the teaching dreams, I am now also beginning to revisit the worlds that were created in previous years of dreams. The memories are not yet clear, but they will be. Last night, I visited with Breda and Hugh, who were two of the main characters in my book. Hugh and Breda are wizards. Hugh is an intriguing character that I literally fell in love with during the first chapter of the book. He is powerful, and yet so vulnerably human that I couldn't help it. Breda is a very wise woman who also acted as a guide for me during the book writing process. They have been missing from my dreams for over a year.

When I saw them in my dreams, I was elated, and remember asking them where they had been. And their response was that they were exactly where I left them. It was me who had left. During all of the chaos of this last year, I had forgotten what it was like to have dreams and hopes of my own. I was simply surviving day to day.

They shared with me, that until I could focus on the positives in my life, there was no room for dreams. 

Wow. Just Wow.

While I am not quite ready for the depth of my prior dreams, I am at least on the right track. I admit I still have some things I am working through, but at least now I have hope again.

As an FYI- the book title is "Hope Begins"

So, here I am at Day 8, and I can actually see that this process is making a positive change in my life.

While I am not quite ready to get back to my book, I am getting closer.

Today.. I am grateful for:

Beginning this gratitude journey

Dreams and hopes

The characters I meet in my dreams

My life.

I am writing this post the day after my seventh day, because I truly took a day of rest. I did not open my computer once. And I am grateful that I was able to take this day for rest.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling a little under the weather. I could feel the sinus pressure building, and a headache was just starting behind my left eye. As I was waking up, and checking in with myself (as an fyi, I wake up slowly almost  every morning and do this check in with my body and my guides. It helps me understand my body's rhythms and adjust my day accordingly), I heard my guides share with me that if I didn't want to be sick, I should rest today, drink lots of fluids and watch what I eat.  So, I got up, let my dog outside for a moment, and then went back to bed. I woke up for the second time feeling about the same, so I got up, drank a glass of juice and sat down on couch to watch tv. I rarely get the opportunity to sit and just watch tv, so I have a DVR to record my favorite shows. The DVR was getting pretty full. 

I wrapped myself up in a blanket, and started watching my favorite tv shows.. And there I spent the day.. drinking juice, water and herbal tea, as my body and mind rested.

Today, I feel better for having rested, my DVR is almost empty again, and I have the energy to get back to work today.

There is a reason that we should all take time to rest. Our bodies and minds need the break. For me, the day of mindless TV was perfect. For someone else, a day at the beach, or hiking in the mountains, or a walk in the desert is what is needed to provide balance. We all rest in different ways.Thank GOD for diversity

Today, I am grateful for:

A day of rest..

my DVR

the ability to check in with myself to keep myself in balance

My Guides and Angels for reminding me that being human means that I have a body that I need to take care of..

AND  I am grateful for all of you that are reading this..May my journey help ease yours...

It started off with my sleeping through my alarm - though I have to admit the dream I was having was incredible. I was in a totally different world, as a child. I was just playing with my friends, and a little grey kitten that had followed me. I was having such fun being a little girl, that I didn't want to wake up. So I didn't- at least not on time

So, I started off late. Then my computer seemed to have a ghost. Every time I logged into work, my internet crashed. I spent the entire morning on the phone with the Geek Squad and the cable company trying to figure out what happened. Neither the cable company or the computer repair person could figure out what happened. About lunchtime, I just surrendered to the wasted day, and took a break from work. As I ate lunch, I pondered the dream and the feelings that I had about being a child again. Honestly, I didn't want the dream to end, and if this had been a Saturday, I would have pulled up the covers and allowed the dream to finish. Instead, I was being responsible and jumped out of bed to start the work day. And then I got to thinking, what was the worst thing that could have happened if I was late to work? I just would have had to work later to catch up. I am lucky enough to work for a company that allows flexible work schedules. And since I work from home most days, it really would have been a non issue. So, but not honoring myself and my own feelings, I set up the day of things gone wrong.

Funny thing, once I got that AHA moment, I went back to work, and had no more computer issues the rest of the day.

I think the Universe was simply giving me something to ponder. I am after all, studying gratitude and living in the present moment. Had I honored myself, I don't think I would have had the computer issues.

I also have to admit that during the computer issues, there was no room in my day for gratitude or positive thinking. I was angry and frustrated that the day wasn't going my way. After lunch, I was back in a more peaceful frame of mind, and my world and the computer responded accordingly. Interesting....

So, as I come to the end of my day, I can honestly say:

I am grateful for those moments of anger and frustration, that led me to the realization that even when life isn't perfect, by changing my thought patterns, I can change my world and how my world responds to me..

I am grateful for my dreams, that allow me to remember what it is like to be a child and to play....the dream has helped me plan a play day for tomorrow...

I am grateful for the Geek Squad and their patience....

I am grateful for my internet service that allows me to work from home.